Getting Older

I am not balding, I am follically challenged. In the Bible (2 Kings 2:23), some boys were laughing at Elisha and they said, "Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head!"  It says that he cursed them in the name of the Lord and two “she bears” came out of the woods and tore-up 42 of those little hoodlums.

I am not fat, I am gravity enhanced.

My hair and mustache are not graying, they are simply color depleted.

I am not hard of hearing, I am simply ignoring your foolishness.

I am not forgetful, I am Teflon Brained (nothing sticks). Old age comes at a very bad time. Now that I have all the answers to life, I've forgotten the questions and why I was even asking in the first place.

My jean's waistline is not big, I am maximizing my contributions to the blue jeans material economy.

My butt is not getting bigger, it is simply becoming more rounded for better aerodynamic blow-by.

I do not snore, I am maintaining a sonar-like guardian parameter monitoring system while I am asleep.

I do not fart, I am simply making a greenhouse gas contribution. It is discussed in the Bible: "He that troubeth his own house shall inherit the wind" ... Proverbs 11:29.

My sight is not getting worse, I am increasing my sight score... Remember, 20/20 is a lower score than 20/50.

"Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they become discouraged." (Colossians 3:21) Remember, these children are the ones that will someday choose your retirement home. Do you want to live in a 1st class “assisted living facility” or in a 4th class “nursing home” in Tijuana?

I never got a tattoo. For this I am extremely grateful. I want my children to keep this in mind too. Remember, in 2009 a babe with a Tramp Stamp is HOT, HOT, HOT. One thing to remember…Will it look as good to see that same “Tat” on your grandmother’s butt in the year 2059?

Lastly, will "perky" breast implants look as good on your 80 year old grandmother when she has on one of those flowered housecoats that blue-haired old ladies love to wear.